


There is no way this is ever going to work

by therune



Category: Avengers (Comic)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-18
Updated: 2012-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 21:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therune/pseuds/therune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve (once again) fails to notice Tony´s true emotions for him. Now Tony is forced to execute a silly, stupid plan that is never going to work...or is it? </p><p>Really cracky, with dated soap opera plot devices, plus spandex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is no way this is ever going to work

Carol was his best friend. One could say that they were girlfriends, if one wanted to. He trusted her without doubt; a thing which only three other persons in his life had accomplished. One was Jarvis, his butler, oldest friend and father/mother/parent (although dominantly father) substitute. The third person was Steve. Which led him right back to the problem he had with Carol.

One night, after an AA meeting they ended up in her apartment. It could have been a more clichéd girly-talk if she had a big bucket of ice-cream present, but that would be pushing it. He sat on her bed, back against the headboard and knees drawn up to his chest. Then he talked. And talked and talked.

About Steve, his best friend, how strong, handsome, brave Steve was, how heroic he looked, how idealistic he was, how iconic, how he was his personal hero...he confessed to her that he had not only a major crush on Steve, but was in love with him. For a long time...too long.

Carol had sat beside him, rubbed his back, made soft cooing noises, saying "everything´s going to be okay" and "I´ll help you out." He hadn't meant to break down in front of her, but it was just so frustrating. He tried to talk to Steve. On multiple occasions. Either Steve was being dense on purpose, a pro at playing dumb...or really that oblivious. Tony had practically done everything except saying the exact words "I love you" to his face.

Well, until the night before last night. In a mood of desperation, misery, "now or never" and heart-wrenching affection, he had told Steve. Who had stared at him with a befuddled expression, before his face lit up and he replied "You´re my best friend, Tony. Of course I love you, too." Tony had been perilously close to break down into tears.

What more could he do? He had poured his heart out and all he got was the stupid "best friend"-routine. Clearly Steve had still not gotten it.

Tony put his head on Carol´s shoulder "I don´t know what to do," he said, "I love him, but..." he broke off, burying his face in her shoulder. He knew he was acting like a love-sick teenager, but ...dammit! His heart was breaking right under Steve's nose and he just didn't see it. Carol stroked his back. "I´ll figure something out," she promised, "just trust me."

The next day she appeared at his window and knocked. "Let me in, Tony, I have the solution to your problem." She beamed, so it was probably a good idea.

Tony really should have known better.

She sat cross-legged on his desk and explained her great idea to him.

"Let me get this straight:" he repeated, "you want to send me on a date. Not with Steve. How is that going to help me?"

Carol lent forward. "It´s so simple. I´m sure that Steve knows in his heart what you feel and feels the same; I think that he's suppressing it...not on purpose, of course. So, we drag this problem directly to his face. We both know that Cap can be a little...possessive. That´s our advantage. When you go on a date, he will notice it, not like it and finally do something about his feelings. That´s idiot proof!"

"Do you really think he does like me? I mean-"

"Tony," Carol grabbed his shoulders and looked him straight into the eyes. "He likes you. More than like you. You should see him looking at you when he thinks no one notices."

"Really?" Tony couldn´t help but feel a little bit of hope creeping into his heart. If Steve did like him - oh, whom was he kidding? There was no reason why Steve would even be remotely attracted to him.

Carol seemed to sense that thoughts. Damn that female intuition. "Trust me, it will work. He has feelings for you!"

Tony rubbed his eyes. "Let´s pretend that this is not a teenage-girl movie and that idiot proof doesn´t really exist...why Deadpool?"

Carol looked at him. She smirked. "That, my friend, is the idiot-proof thing in my plan. Cap is...protective."  
-like a plucky Jewish mother, Tony´s voice of conscience added...who sounded remarkably like Clint-

"So, plus to the possessiveness, there is nothing that will stop him to get you out of that date. No one in their right mind would let you date Deadpool, and Cap especially not. He´ll drag you out of there faster than you can say spatula."

"Let´s pretend that I would agree," Tony started, "Why the hell would Deadpool go out with me?"

"He´s a mercenary," said Carol, "we pay him."

"Last time I looked, the definition of mercenary did not include escort services." countered Tony, "A person who does escort-service for money is usually called a -"

"Normal standards don´t reply to him" Carol replied.

Tony sighed. But then again...could his situation get any worse?

"I´m probably suffering from a bout of insanity...but I tried everything else and it didn´t work, so...what the hell, I´ll do it."

There was no way in hell that this should have worked. No way. But then why was he sitting in a cafe roughly 5 minutes away from the mansion, on a bright summer´s day, on his table a latte macchiato and a blabbering mercenary?

Deadpool had babbled without once stopping to breath. It was both interesting and disturbing to follow his trail of thought. It was like programming a computer algorithm which should produce random results, but without any clear system to get the results.

The "outing" (Tony still refused to think of it as a date) had gone remarkably well. So far he had spent three hours listening to Deadpool´s rant about Bea Arthur, a Hydra agent named Bob, fuedal Asian torture styles, why his new gun was better than the old one, how much hand grenades it took to blow up a obese walrus...he only hoped that Carol could "accidentally" bring this date up when talking to Cap.

The date became really interesting when Pepper called about a development in the stock market and he used the Extremis to not only accept the call, but to screen stock information and send an e-mail. Deadpool´s eyes became wide (which was really odd because he was wearing a mask and should not be lable to look like he just saw Jesus´resurrection) and suddenly his whole behavior changed. He got friendly, didn´t threaten him anymore, offered to pay for the date, scooted closer and closer and looked at Tony in a really creepy way.

Deadpool became too friendly for Tony´s liking. That "date" went too well. The mercenary asked questions, got interested in Tony, offered help and support on numerous occasions. Tony didn´t quite get why the merc with a mouth kept calling him "Machine Messiah", "Infonet Guy", "G.I. Jesus" and "Priscilla".

Then Deadpool started to flirt. At first subtle...as subtle as Deadpool would ever get.

Then plain obvious. He got way too close. Tony had barely managed to snatch his hand away before Deadpool got him to hold hands. This was getting creepy. Please, Steve-

Tony was that close to simply leave when:

"Tony." Startled, shocked and anxious Tony turned around.

"Steve!" he said.

Steve was there in full "Captain America"-mode. Arms crossed, jaw set and the stern look in his eyes. The sun shone on his blond hair and Tony was once again reminded why he was actually here. From experience Tony could tell that there was a lecture coming up.

Thank god. Please, get me away from here. Please...

Tony was slung very unceremoniously over Steve´s shoulder. "You are comming with me." Tony was too shocked to react.

"Hey!", Deadpool interfered, "that´s my date. Get your own!"

Steve turned around and gave him the "Holier than thou"-look.

"Why don´t you go to Xavier and ask him about Nathan Summers and his resurrection?"

"Nate? But..."

When Steve turned to leave, Tony was again facing Deadpool (while hanging over Cap´s broad shoulder).

Deadpool looked a bit like a schoolgirl before the prom, very excited, bubbly-happy and about to ditch the guy he had as a substitute for the real deal who had not asked him out.

"Um...it wouldn´t have worked anyway, machine man." Deadpool started, "and I think I pissed off your boyfriend-"

"Steve is not my-"

"Yes, he is." Steve interfered. "He is your boyfriend and currently mad at you for dating behind his back."

Tony knew that he had to look ridiculous, but he couldn´t stop gaping. "What?"

"You heard the man. Have fun you two" Deadpool waved goodbye. "Bodyslide by two" and then he was gone.

"Are you serious?" Tony asked. He was still hanging over Steve´s shoulder who was walking towards the mansion.

"The mad part? Affirmative, mad at you. What were you thinking?"

"Actually I meant the...nevermind."

Steve stopped. He put Tony down and looked him straight into his eyes.

"Tony, I...what were you thinking? Deadpool?! I can think of 1000 guys who were more suitable as a date than him. Tony, you´re one of the smartest guys in the world, why did you choose Deadpool?! He´s one of the most dangerous, insane, mentally unstable, vicious, "

"Boyfriend?" Tony asked disbelievingly.

Steve blushed and scratched his head nervously. "I mean...only if you want. I ...uh...nevermind. Just forget than and" Steve broke off, eyes darting away from Tony´s face.

Tony made a quick decision. Now or never.

He surged forward and kissed Steve. Just very briefly and it was not more than a chaste meeting of lips, but it set him on fire. The kiss left his lips tingling, his stomach twisted and he felt the blood rushing to his face, making him blush.

Tony met Steve´s eyes with his own. "I want it" he said softly. Steve looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Steve?" Tony asked.

Steve´s answer was two strong arms pulling him into a hug. Tony was melting into the embrace. That was too good to be true. The dark cloud of disbelief crept up again. It was too good for him, wasn´t it? Could this be real? Could Steve really mean it?

Then Steve smiled and that erased all the dark thoughts. "Does this mean we´re together now?" Tony asked.

"It better mean it." Steve answered.

They walked back to the mansion, fingers laced together.

"How did you find out?" Tony asked.

"Carol accidentally mentioned it." Steve´s amused tone made it obvious that he did not believe the accident at all. "This is probably the first time that this move really worked, "Steve said, "how did you ever come up with something like that?"

"It was all Carol´s idea," Tony admitted. "I still can´t believed it worked."

Steve looked at him affectionately. "I was confused first. Then sad, hurt, furious, disbelieving, furious again and then concerned. Before I knew what I was doing, I was here and carrying you away. And now I´m overjoyed, warm and fuzzy." He gave Tony´s hand a light squeeze. "This was the best impulsive reaction I ever had."

"I agree with you, "Tony said smiling, then furrowed his brows, "how did you get Deadpool to leave?"

"Carol accidentally mentioned that Deadpool´s old partner was recently resurrected, that said person was a mutant who could talk to machines and that Deadpool had a certain obsession over him."

"Cherchéz la femme, "Tony said. "She is an evil mastermind." But I did not know how good she really was until now.


End file.
